Jokes about animals

The farmer, the rooster and the chicken coop 
One farmer has several dozen chickens in the coop & one rooster that serves them faithfully. One day the farmer decided that the rooster is old and it is time to purchase a young rooster to be helpful. The farmer went to the market and bought a young colorful, handsome cock with an impressive crest, and brought it home to the henhouse. The next morning, the young rooster looks around and turns to the adult rooster saying arrogantly: "Listen, old cock, I see around thirty - forty chickens in total and I have no problem to server even double that number, then sit down, your time passed". "Rather than fight, Let's split fifty-fifty and everything will come back safely," said the adult rooster. "No way, there's no one like me, your job is finished" the young rooster replied even more arrogantly. "If you want it that way, all or nothing, so let's race around the henhouse, and who comes first wins" offers the old chicken. "Fine," replies the young arrogant. one of the chickens given the start signal and both roosters stood on the starting line. Than the old rooster turns to the young and said: "Listen, you're young and your feet are strong and you have no problem to beat me easily, maybe you would let me start some ten to fifteen feet foreword, so the competition will be a bit more sportive, I guess you will not have a big problem with it." "O.k, I agree, but let's start already" the young rooster answeres. At the given signal they began to run. And just at that moment in the morning the farmer decided to go hunting. When he turns to the henhouse what he sees? The old rooster ran like a madman, waving his wings and screamed in his throat, followed by a young cock trying and almost manages to achieve. The farmer raises his rifle and shoots the young rooster and killed it. "yoptvayomat" (he cursed in Russian) "It's the fifth chicken I buy and everyone was gay". 


The dog and the tiger

A rich man went on a safari in Africa with his dachshund dog. One day the dog was lost. Suddenly the dog saw a tiger going to devour him. the dog thinks quickly what to do. Than he saw two bones on the ground. He sat next to them with his back to the tiger and said: "It was really tasty tiger, I wonder if there's more delicious tigers around..." The tiger heard the dog, stopped at the last second with scare in his eyes. "Wow, it was really close ... that dog almost ate me...." the tiger said, turned and walked away crawling. In the tree above see this all the monkey. He decided it was a good opportunity for him to catch a good relationship with the tiger. He chased the tiger and told him how the dog made fun of him. Tiger got nervous and told the monkey to sit on his back, to come with him and see how he nakes the dog meat balls ... Dog, have not had time to relax, see the tiger suddenly repeats with the monkey on his back, sat with his back against his attackers, and a second before they reached him he said: "Where's that darn monkey? Half an hour ago I asked him to bring me another leopard" .. ..  

species disappearing 
Whale swims near his companion and says: "Dozens of ecological organizations, hundreds of activists, thousands of politicians and scientists, hundreds of thousands of people at demonstrations, Governments and parliaments around the world, all of them are doing everything they can to prevent our species extinction - And you come and tell me that you just have a headache?

Wanted: A PC technician

The lion's wedding 
Lion king celebrated his wedding with all the animals of the forest. Among the guests a mouse hang around shouting all the time and wished the lion: "Good luck bro! All the best!" When the lion heard the mouse he calls him "brother" He grabbed him and asked him angrily: "Who are you ... How could I, the lion king, be your brother? - you're just a mouse ..." The mouse replied: "Relax man, I was a lion too before I got married ..." 

A poisonous snake
One snake asks his friend the snake: "Say, r we poisonous?" His friend replies: "I don't know, why?"
Snake says: "For the moment I bit my tongue"

10 Personality disorders at the office

1. The Chatterbox- The one who you're afraid to meet in the hallway. She is raping you to listen to every minor and marginal detail in her dull life, don't know to separate the chaff, and to her, all is important. Carries a long tedious monologues and not interested in response.

 

2. The Gossipmonger- Using other people's personal information as a weapon to promote himself. All day stirring a cauldron. Usually starts a conversation in "Just wanted to let you know." Tends to disguise his gossip as a concern: "I heard recently that Jane and her husband think about divorce. She seems so sad and it influence badly her performance. How can we help her, I'm very worried. "

 

3. The Sloth- Usually you'll find him searching the office without a goal, an emotionless facial expression and a package of blank pages in his hands. He does nothing but worry about being present at each staff meeting. He cares to look busy but if you approach him, he will always claim he has no time.

   

4. The Cheerleader - This girl has a weariless accumulation of energy. She's rattling herself around every second. All day telling herself and others about how she dedicated to her work and has no second to breathe. Identify her by the fake laughter heard for miles.

   

5. The Emotional - The emotional lives in constant fear of dismissal. Always think that nobody sees or appreciates her work. May cry uncontrollably at any given moment.

  

6. The Geek - He never sees sunlight. Usually lives in the basement of his parent's house reading and playing computer games. His only experience with women is Lara Croft. If you come to him with minimal problems like missing a toolbar, you get a four-hour lecture on information security. Playing every day on PS3 despite he was recently passed the age of fifteen. Comes to the office with a cup that says "There's nothing like mom." His house is full of computer parts scattered that he enjoys to dismantle and assemble again and again. Comes to the office in the morning with dark circles around his eyes because he spends his nights role-playing quests as heroes or Might & Magic .

7. The Foreigner Janitor - He is always from an exotic land. Although he immigrated two decades ago, he doesn't know a word in English (or at least that's what he says). You will find him lurking near the toilet all day cursing in his heart passersbys that destroyed the polish he made. Makes you angry glances every time you report that the soap runs out there.

8. The Girly Boy - Usually he's the only man that works in the human resources department together with twenty other girls. Usually you will find a flock of girls gathered around him and giggle. He replaces with them recipes in the work breaks. He drinks only diet and knows the difference between the Bazooka pink Fuchsia pink. Usually you will hear him gossip and say things like: "OMG did you see how Dana the bookkeeper gained at least ten pounds." He watches all the episodes of desperate housewives. He likes romantic comedies and wants to be Kylie Jenner's bff.

 

9. The Psychosomatic - Comes to the office in the morning and instead of saying good morning, opening the day with "my head hurts," which is to say during the day about 500 times an average. If you tell her to take a pill she'll say "No, no, I don't believe in pills." She is raping people to be empathic to her situation: "Wow! It was so hard for me to finish the presentation, I had eye sockets pressure, sinus and I started a little cough, but still managed by a human!". When she enters a doctor's appointment to complain about the fund feel unexplained throat and a beauty spot suspicious, the doctor sees on a computer that she was there two hundred times this month. Period is only five days a month, but you'll hear her complains about it all month. When she enters your room and begins to complain about her hurting back and, you secretly wish her in your heart to spend one day in an Egyptian prison and see what is pain.

 

10. The flatterer- He is always sucking up to bosses. He is the first to compliment them on a haircut or new clothes, he always agree with them, listening to them and laugh to tears for every old board joke they tell. You never know how he does it, how he became their best friend, and most frightens you is that he goes with them to have lunch, while you are eating alone or with junior members.

Food is not the enemy?

They say that food is not the enemy... But look at this!

Lazy boy

Mom: "When God distributed laziness, There was no queue. You were the only one and you took it all!!!!" 

Boy: "You're totally wrong." 

Mom: ? 

Boy: "I had no strength even to walk to the distribution position".

No news is good news day- 11th September

The 11th September is No news is good news day.

Many people in the world believe that they must keep updated in current daily news. 

The question is why? What are they doing with this information? Are they going to demonstrate in the streets? Do they do something beyond having conversations about it? Do they produce any lesson and improve their lives?

The following article is intended to show you how to Keep up with news like a dangerous drug addiction with serious side effects that is not recommended for everyone and anyone interested in this drug consumption should seriously consider whether he is willing to live with these severe side effects. 

Generic Name: News Under this generic name provided little citizen updates, reports and articles selected by the number of people working in different networks, from small radio stations, through print media, internet and major TV networks. Updates, reports, articles and flashes provided the citizen not necessarily based on importance and relevance of the little citizen, but rather the degree of economic profit to those who provide them. 

Composition of active ingredients and their concentration: Politics: too much, a military - political: too much, Ecology and the Environment: Too little, shocking disasters: too much, Entertainment and Leisure: too yellow, too little culture. 

Inactive ingredients: You! you are the spectators who sit in your chairs like sweet potatoes, wake up only during commercials to get ice cream or watermelon chunks. 

Therapeutic activity: Keep up with news designed to give citizens a sense that he is involved in what is happening in his country and that he has the ability to influence. It also gives him a feeling of belonging to population and that he is important and up to date. 

When not to use this medicine? If you are pregnant in the first or last third, if you are breastfeeding, if you have a heart problem, if you suffer from shortness of breath, stomach ulcers or sensitive soul. 

Warnings: Don't watch the news too often or for prolonged periods without consulting a psychiatrist. Means that too often: once on the radio on the way to work, once on the radio on the way back from work, once on the main edition on TV, several times on the Internet and in the newspaper. If you are sensitive to reports of any kind, inform your psychiatrist before using this drug. 

Side effects: Severe nausea, paranoia and loss of trust in people, anxieties, worries, obsessive disturbing thoughts. All of these can cause heart disease, vascular damage and cancer. 

Effects that require special attention: Increase or decrease in weight, heart attacks, behavior changes such as seclusion at home, cutting off contact with people who are close, closer contact with people to debate wrangling, decreased sexual function, sexual perception distortion, increased violence and aggressive behavior.

Instructions: Listen, watch or read - and don't take to your heart!. 

Dosage in the absence of other provision from psychiatrist: As little as possible. Only what is necessary. Avoid poisoning! Beware to be updated only from reliable news sources and not too yellow. Try to filter the information that comes to you and see if it comes from a reliable source of high quality. 

Don't: Don't be updated in the news during a vacation, family event or a first date. Don't be updated on the news alone in the dark! This can be scary and cause a heart attack or stroke!. Put your glasses on if you need them, don't spoil your eyesight at least.

Watch out! if you see a news reporter on the street, watch carefully where you're going. you don't want that what happened to this lady will happen to you: